Four years ago today, our world stood still for a while. Hearing
a knock at the door, we opened it to two uniformed military officers;
immediately we knew. ABN's son and only child had been killed while serving in
the U.S. Air Force in Afghanistan. The next 24 hours were somewhat of a blur as
a steady stream of friends gathered at our home while we made arrangements to
meet our daughter-in-law and granddaughters in Dover to receive his body and to
travel to Navarre, Florida to make funeral arrangements. With the help of the USO and Fisher House, we made it through the fog of those first 48 hours.
While waiting for his remains to arrive in Florida, friends and
family came in from throughout the country. We could tell hearts were breaking
for us and for his wife and children; not only in Florida but also at home. A
couple of our dearest friends chose to not make the trip to Florida but to stay
in our hometown and comfort ABN's father who was confined to a nursing home and
could not attend his grandson's funeral. Our minister held a memorial service
at the exact hour of the funeral, when we saw the video and read the notes left
for us; we felt the love of our church family and our community.
We have learned so much about grief these past four years. And we
have learned we have so much for which to be grateful. We, especially ABN, will
often hear comments about our strength. As we reflect on the past four years,
we would like to share some of the things that we feel gave us strength and
allowed us to once again feel joy.
We were fortunate to begin our grief journey in good mental
health. Unlike those dealing with chronic depression and anxiety, we know that
when we find ourselves in sad, dark moments, it is temporary, and we can ride
it out knowing that it will be better tomorrow.
We are fortunate that our family bonds are strong. Meeting other
surviving parents through TAPS (Tragedy
Assistance Program for Survivors) we know that is often not the case. We
have met parents who were not invited by their daughter-in-law to participate
in funeral and burial arrangements and some are now estranged from their
grandchildren.
ABN's son lived a full 44 years, he chose a wonderful wife that
values family and he gave us two beautiful, talented granddaughters. So many of
our fellow TAPS parents lost their very young sons and daughters, leaving no
offspring; they do not have the privilege of seeing their child's spirit in
his/her children.
ABN's son loved his work; he felt he could make a difference in
the lives of the people of Afghanistan. Except for being separated from his
family, we feel he was happy. Not so for so many young folks that succumbed to
PTSD and drug addiction after serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Through TAPS we learned the magnitude of
military and post military suicides. How hard it would be to live with the
knowledge that your child was so unhappy he chose to not live.
We had an abundance of support from our family, friends, church
and community. Although we always valued these relationships, we did not fully
appreciate them until our darkest hours.
Our faith in God was already established; through our grief it
has become stronger.
As we continue on our grief journey, which we understand will
never end; we have so much gratitude in our hearts, especially for our family
and friends who are learning it is okay to talk about Darin. In fact we want to
talk about him. Our eyes may water and you may notice a few tears; they may be
because we feel a bit sad or it may be because we are feeling gratitude. We
hope our tears won't keep you silent.
Being a Gold Star family, we have advantages that are not
available to civilians under similar circumstances. We would be remiss if we
didn't mention the ones that have helped so much during our grief journey.
These are all NGO (Non-Government Organizations) supported by true patriots.
Since we have mentioned TAPS,
let us start there. Tragedy AssistanceProgram for Survivors was started by a surviving widow 25 years ago. Their
purpose is to bring all families who experience military loss together through
grief workshops, retreats, camps for children and through online chats. In 2013
we attended a retreat for parents, many with whom we have continued to be in
contact through Facebook and our travels.
Snowball Express is a
four-day event for children of the fallen held every December in the
Dallas/Fort Worth area made possible by the generous support of American
Airlines, Niemen Marcus, the Gary Sinise Foundation, the Patriot Guards and
many other organizations and volunteers. Seeing our granddaughters having a
grand time while making solid friendships gives us a great deal of peace.
The Special Operations
Forces are dedicated to taking care of the children of their fallen
comrades. Through generous donations to the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, our granddaughters will have the opportunity
to attend whatever college to which they are accepted.
Our oldest granddaughter is benefiting greatly from the Gold Star Teen Adventure program. She
has participated in two week long backpacking adventures on the Appalachian
Trail, became a certified scuba diver last summer and has attended an all-girls
retreat in Virginia (all expenses, including transportation provided by
donations to GSTA.) The Special
Operations Forces volunteer their time to raise money for the program and
use their leadership skills to work with the teens. Through this program she is
learning leadership skills, gaining self-confidence and making life-long
friendships.
So, in answer to how can we be so strong after having such a
devastating experience? It is because of you, dear friends and family; you and
our military family that are dedicated to caring for one another. And because
of the patriots throughout the country that understand our loss and demonstrate
their gratitude.
This week ABN is
re-reading the many notes sent to us four years ago, many are from you. When
you wrote your heartfelt note, you probably knew it would give us a measure of
comfort at that time. What you may not know is your messages continue to
provide strength.
Since most of the readers of our blog are family and close
friends, you know our Darin's story. For others that are interested, you can
find links on the J.Darin Loftis Memorial Scholarship page.
Sending our love from College Station, TX to all our family and
friends.
